• A couple who were very much concerned about their son's bad grades in maths decided to register him at a catholic school. The couple noticed how his work was improving rapidly and after his first term there, the son brings home his report card. The parents were delighted to learn he was top of the maths class and getting all "A"s. The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why are your math grades suddenly so good? You used to hate the subject." "You know", the son explains, "on the first day I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew straight away; This place means business!"
• Little Johnny's father says: 'Can I see your school report Johnny?' 'I don't have it', said Johnny. 'Why not?' asked his dad. 'Because my friend Dennis wanted to borrow it first, to scare the heebiejeebies out of his parents'.
• Q: What did the zero say to the number eight? A: Nice belt!
• Miss, I can't solve this maths problem.  Well really, any five year old should be able to solve this one.  Oh, no wonder I can't do it then, I'm nearly ten!
• The maths teacher noticed a little puddle under Amy's chair. 'Oh, Amy!' said the teacher. 'You should have put your hand up.' 'I did miss,' said Amy, 'but it still trickled through my fingers.'
• "I never realized statistics were so important"  "How so?"  "Well, according to statistics, there are 50 million alligator eggs laid every year. Of those, only around half hatch into baby alligators. Of those that hatch, three quarters of them get eaten by predators in the first 30 days. And of the rest, only 6 percent get to be a year old for a variety of reasons. On that basis I think statistics are really important"  "What's so important about that?"  "Well, if it weren't for statistics, we'd be up to our asses in alligators!"
• Teacher: Are you any good at maths? Student: Yes and no. Teacher: What do you mean? Student: Yes, I'm no good at maths!
• Question: How many seconds are there in a year? Answer: Twelve; January second, February second, March second, ...
• The teacher asked little Johnny if he new his numbers. 'Yes,' he said, 'My dad taught me'. 'Good,' said the teacher, 'So what comes after eight?' 'Nine,' said Johnny. 'And what comes after nine?' 'Ten.' 'And what comes after ten?' 'The jack.'
• Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
• Why is the number 10 afraid of seven?  because seven ate nine.
• If there are ten cats in a boat and one jumps out, how many are left? None, they were all copycats!
• Teacher: Right class, whatever I ask, I want you to all shout out the answer at once. How much is three plus five? Class: At once!
• Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs, and 50 percent imagination.
• A mathematician is a person who says that, when 3 people are thought to be in a room but 5 come out, 2 have to go back in so the room becomes empty...
• Q: How can you tell that you're in the hands of the Mathematical Mafia? A: They make you an offer that you can't understand.
• The new Math and Alcohol don't mix campaign; ...PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE.
• Dad, for my homework I have to find the lowest common denominator, can you help me please ? Blimey son, don't tell me they haven't found it yet, I remember looking for that when I was your age!
• What did the constipated mathematician do? Worked it out with a pencil!
• David's dad was disappointed that he had scored such a low mark in his school maths test. 'Why did you get such a bad mark, David?' he asked. 'Absenteeism', said David. 'What do you mean? Were you absent on the day of the test?' 'Um, no, not really; but the boy I usually sit next to had the flu.'
• Little Johnny: Dad, will you do my math homework for me tonight? Dad: No, son, it wouldn't be right. Johnny: Well, you could try.
• A statistician is someone who can have his head in an oven and his feet in a bucket of ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.
• What did one math book say to the other? Don't bother me I've got my own problems!
